Judging Everyone as an Individual

The Bible warns us not to judge others but, according to Google, this has been downplayed to ‘righteous discernment and evaluation’.  Judge, but be self-aware and avoid hypocrisy.  A significant improvement on an eye for an eye, wouldn’t you say?  However, 5 verses later we are advised against ‘giving dogs what is holy, or casting pearls before swine’.   Okay.  But how do we sort the dogs and pigs from the rest of us without a judgment call?  And how do we reconcile that with turning the other cheek and forgiving 70 times 7?

The Justice system is equally confusing.  I’ve been summoned for Jury Duty this month and, if I ‘m picked, will be asked to judge someone else’s actions and possibly send them to prison.  Last time this happened the defendant was a teenage boy, who shoved a cop.  I’m sure he did it, but everyone in the room had kids his age and we were like, “Really?  You want us to ruin a boy’s life for this?”

As a juror we are required to follow the law as it is, rather than make our own decisions.  But there have been many unjust laws: segregation and the disenfranchisement of women, for instance.  So, I sat there stewing, substituting my son for the defendant, and silently denouncing any society that equated a shoulder-check with an assault.  I had no intention of doing what I was told; I’d made up my mind to send the boy home to his mother, and I was pissed off when they didn’t choose me for the jury.

And there lies the rub.  Because, in thinking I knew best, I put myself in the same camp as the OJ Jurors, not to mention a whole slew of KKK jurors, who also followed their own path and released killers.  Obviously, this young man didn’t rise to that level, and was acquitted after a brief deliberation.  But I realized the implications of my response, and that I had to work on my attitude.   

There are groups that most of us agree are nice people.  These include Canadians, New Zealanders, and the Dutch.  In fact, the countries the UN uses as Peace Keepers are generally those that no one hates.  And if you married a Scandinavian, your parents would probably be cool with that too.  Anywhere else, and all bets are off because some despot is always flexing his muscles and being unpleasant, or feeling superior for having more money and resources.  One man’s freedom fighter is another man’s terrorist, regimes change overnight, and the rest of us are caught in the middle, trying to figure out who to condemn and who to support. 

I saw a cartoon recently in which a heavenly minion tells a reincarnating soul.  ‘France is full up right now.  How’d you like to be an Albanian?’  If it was me, I’d be saying, “Er… thanks…but I think I’ll hold off until Paris empties out a little.”  I’ve never met an Albanian, and the closest I’ve come to the place itself is a glimpse from a ferry between Greece and Italy.  However, I’ve worked with both Turks and Iranians and, outside of their messy political situations, it was a pleasure and a privilege.   So, ten to one, the Albanians are just as lovely, and I’d be very happy there.  

For the sake of this discussion, therefore, let’s assume that all communities have their fair share of decent folks, forget race, gender, and national origins, and move on to assessing everyone, from everywhere, as an individual. 

How do I do that, you may be wondering?  Well, it’s easy.  You judge them by the content of their character and, if you’re still uncertain, here are some tips, which may or may not be of use to you.

A Quaker lady once told me to go through my address book, stopping at each woman’s name and asking the same question.  ‘Would she sleep with my husband?’  If the answer is ‘Yes’ it’s a deal breaker.  Of course, nothing is quite as clear cut as that.  If your husband looks like a wart hog, she won’t give him a second glance.  Equally, if she looks like a wart hog, the reverse is true.  And then there’s the thorny issue of how your husband would respond if she did hit on him but, all that aside, you get the idea: home-wrecking hussies don’t make good friends. 

My moral philosophy professor posed a similar question.  Would anyone you know work at Auschwitz?  Now that’s a big one.  Those who did, rationalized it as an army assignment, or talked of reprisals on their families if they didn’t.  But there’s little evidence to back that up.  One did have to be tactful when requesting a change of duty – ‘I didn’t do all this military training, to guard a bunch of prisoners’ – and it was a given you’d be transferred to the Russian Front instead. Nevertheless, a few brave souls did it.

Maya Angelou, however, stuck to mundanities, "You can tell a lot about a person,” she said, ‘by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights."  Well, duh!  Whining!  That’s how we handle it, Maya.  Try 10 days of torrential rain on your annual vacation.  Face cream, hair straightener, birth control pills and clothes, still on the tarmac at Heathrow.  You’re wearing your son’s underpants while yours dry in the hotel bathroom, and refusing to buy new clothes, because the colors are too bright and busy.  And, on the off-chance you haven’t noticed, it’s cold as hell and an orange muu-muu isn’t going to cut it, anyway. 

The tangled Christmas lights are much easier.  You yell, ‘Fucking Christmas lights!’ and ‘Goddammit!  Who put these away like this?’ and then you drive to Walmart and buy replacements.

Home-wreckers and Nazis apart, we should also be on the look-out for psychopaths, with 6-8% of the business world now meeting the criteria.  But who’s to know you’re a psychopath until the mask slips, and you wind up in court for an Enron-level crime?  At least the Nazis wore identifying uniforms and child molesters have a register.   And, while we’re on the subject, if God is so keen to keep pearls from swine, how about names and addresses so we can avoid them as well.

Then there’s our religious beliefs which, in my opinion, should be off limits.   I don’t mess with people’s sacred issues, and I always assume they are genuine and, worthy of respect.  There are many paths to the truth, and anyone who’s seeking something beyond themselves is okay in my book.  The way I see it, we’re all asking the same questions, but coming up with different answers.  And, in the case of the Abrahamic religions, we share roots, and are different branches of the same tree.  If pressed, however, I will remind you that your rights end, where my rights begin, and that you will not impose your views on me by manipulation or force.

So where are we?  The Bible says I should not judge, but the Law requires it.  There are wonderful people in all countries.  Adulterers, Nazis and psychopaths should be shunned, but your religious beliefs are sacred and have to be tolerated, up to a point.

And that brings me to politics.  Should we judge our neighbors by their politics?  I grew up in a British working-class family, solidly leftwing, and union strong.  But I have to tell you, the Bush and Cheney families are looking pretty damned good next to our current crowd.  I mean, you didn’t have to be a racist to vote for Donald Trump, but it sure wasn’t a deal breaker for you, was it?   You didn’t have to be anti-Gay or anti-women either, but you’ve let that loose on the world again, as well.  So, things being as they are, if you’re a Trump supporter, I am no longer rationalizing your behavior, or searching for the best in you.

Normally, however, I compartmentalize my grievances into individual people and individual situations.

You’re a black, Albanian, transgender woman.  None of my business, until you try to sleep with my husband, after which you become an asshole, who just happens to be black, Albanian, and transgender. 

You’re a white, rugby-playing, male cop.  Always glad to have you around.  We need cops, and we’re relieved as hell when you show up to help us.  Unless you’re Derek Chauvin, or ICE.

You are anybody, any race, any gender, and you work with the public.  If customers dread seeing your face behind the counter, if they swap lines to get away from you, you are also a bully. 

There’s a lot of peace to be gained in this approach.  You protect yourself from the troublemaker, and you don’t waste energy hating a whole race, or condemning a whole country on the strength of one person or group.  You stick to the facts: this guy was incredibly rude to me.  You’re then allowed to vent about one white man, one gay woman, one Pakistani shopkeeper, one gang of Greeks from Thessaloniki, and move on positively with the rest.

It’s been a while since I’ve had a run-in with someone, but it was at the Department of Motor Vehicles, and I asked to speak to a supervisor.  By the time I got to her, I was a total mess.  I was shaking so hard I couldn’t control my jaw, and I dropped my paperwork on the floor.  But I filed a formal complaint on her colleague, quietly and civilly, and I left.  Ten years ago, I would’ve been part of the problem, and perseverated on it for months, so this new mindset is a big improvement for me, and I wish I’d mastered it much earlier in my life.

But then, as Maya Angelou also says, ‘When you know better, you do better.’